Everyone in the delivery business should read Snow Crash — sometimes the thought of Y.T. car-harpooning her way across town is the only thing keeping me sane when, oh, say, hypothetically, a cop on a mountainbike rides up behind me while I'm pushing 500 newspapers on the dolly and commands that I get "out of the way, big guy!"

For god sakes, it's a mountainbike! Just ride on some of that brand new UChicago grass for two seconds!

There was probably even room on the sidewalk.

Patronizing nicknames like "big guy," "sport," "buddy," "pal," "guy," "kid," and "champ," all of which I've been called, are easily my least favorite thing about the otherwise-great delivery business. I realize that this is just how a significant portion of America talks to strangers, but do they realize how incredibly rude they sound?

(This is very different, by the way, from my use of "kids" to refer to people roughly my own age or older. That's meant to be completely ironic. Likewise, I think "dude" is just an incredibly informal alternative to "sir.")

Also frustrating is the fact that there's nothing I can do about this. It's always some random guy who's duke of his own little world, and I never see him again. I know I could preempt the nicknames somewhat, by looking more imposing somehow or maybe by writing my name on my neck and forehead.

Whatever I do, I'm probably stuck with them for a few years yet, until these people who are ostensibly not insulting me realize that I'm too old for them to get away with it. Then I'll probably only hear patronizing nicknames in baitshops and traffic jams.

And what's a good response that's sufficiently patronizing, if I'm to fight fire with fire? "Will do, milord" seems too over-the-top.

Related: we have no good alternative to "you're welcome," which as a delivery guy I find both smarmy and stilted. But how else to respond when someone thanks me for a pizza or a pile of newspapers? Lately I've just been saying "yep" or nodding my head once, quickly.